Stop focusing only on the negative

Jack and Jill have been separated for more than two years now.  However, Jill cannot stop talking negatively about Jack.  She cannot forget the names calling or the fact that he “lied” about his annual income to avoid paying child and spousal support.   When she feels tired, overworked, and stressed out by all conflicting demands on her time, Jill’s negative thoughts creep into her mind and play out like a movie. As a result, Jill is often depressed, she lacks energy and many of her girlfriends do not call her as much anymore.  Like many separated people, she has fallen prey to negative thinking… 

During and after a separation, people live periods of loss and grievance.  For many, separation is a failure.  Focusing only on the negative aspects of the relationship often helps a person justify to themselves and their entourage the reasons for the breakup. However, no one is served by holding onto negative thoughts indefinitely.  Getting counseling or divorce coaching is often necessary to move forward. 

 

Often those who think negatively do so out of habit.   It is a lot easier to dwell and complain about the 5% that is going “wrong” (i.e. the car that cut you off this morning) instead of focusing on the 95% that is going well (i.e. your health, job, children etc.). Studies have demonstrated that positive thinking can be extremely beneficial for improving self-confidence and psychological well-being, as well as boosting physical health.  Here are a few tips to help you maintain or develop a positive attitude:

1.      Meditate or do yoga - learn how to breathe and ease your mind;

2.      Smile – it will change your mood and relieve stress;

3.      Surround yourself with positive people –  a good friend can help you put things into perspective;

4.      Don’t play the victim even if your living situation is unbearable - there is always a way out; and

5.      Remember that no one is perfect – stop dwelling on the “what if”, learn from this life experience and move forward.