Family Law is not a “one size fits all”

Jack is leaving with peace of mind for a one week vacation with the children during the school March Break.  He is feeling much better now that he has spent an hour with a family lawyer he just retained to represent him in the context of his separation from Jill.  Speaking with friends, family members and other well-intentioned – but misinformed – people had left him completely anxious, discouraged and convinced that he would lose it all to Jill unless he hired a “big gun” lawyer, took a “go-for-the-throat” stance in his separation process and spent half of his retirement savings in legal proceedings.   The lawyer he retained was reassuring, clearly explained to him his rights – yes, men and women have equal rights – and obligations and, most importantly, explained to him that it was not necessary to create a legal war to arrive at a fair and equitable settlement, even if he and Jill did not see eye-to-eye on many things.

On top of all of that, Jack learned that when you are going through a separation, you need to be very careful about who you listen to.  During this one-hour informational meeting, Jack learned that he, just like many of his supporters, had many misconceptions about family law, separation and divorce.  Among other things, Jack learned that he was WRONG to believe that: 

1. Couples living in common-law relationships had the same rights and obligations than married couples;

2. The laws about separation and divorce are the same throughout Canada;

3.  A spouse’s extra-marital affairs and/or bad behaviour could result in a less favourable financial settlement for that spouse;

4.  If Jill remarried, his spousal support obligations would automatically stop;

5.  Having joint custody of the children would mean that neither he or Jill would have to pay child support to the other;

6.  “Joint custody” meant that the children spent one week with one parent and one week with the other;

7. Even if he and Jill had signed a marriage contract (something he had thought about asking Jill to sign when they got married), the result would be the same (i.e. that a marriage contract not worth the paper it is written on, as they are not recognized by courts when there is a separation);

8.  If Jill refuses to let him see the children as he wants, he has the right to stop paying child support;

9.  When his children are twelve years old, they can choose where they want to live;

10.  If push comes to shove, he could just take a lower-paying job and would not have to pay spousal support.

There is lot to be said about family law issues, and many people have an incredible amount of misconceptions about them. That’s why it is very important to be careful about who you listen to when you go through a separation as what applied to them may not apply to you.  Just remember that family law is not a “one size fits all” and getting clear and reliable information about YOUR family matter can avoid costly  battles as well as future headaches and heartaches. 

Our marriage is over? This cannot be happening to me!

Jill is in complete shock. She never saw this coming.  Less than a month ago they went on a trip together and everything was great.    Jill had noticed that Jack was acting strangely for the past few months, that he was growing more distant, but never suspected that he wanted out.  Yes, they had their arguments, and yes, life was not always perfect, but they were still a happy family or so she thought.  When Jack told her he wanted to separate, Jill stormed out of the house and went to see her friend Sue.  She could not breathe anymore, she did not sleep that night and she could not stop crying.  In the morning, Jill came back to the house to get the children ready for school.  She put on a brave face for the children and pretended everything was fine while Jack kept on walking through the house as if nothing had happened.  Jill thought that maybe it was just a bad dream.  Maybe Jack was just upset and did not really mean it.  It would not be the first time.  She knew he was stressed out with work and had been spending lots of time at the office lately.  Jill had never felt such emotional pain and her mind was racing with fear.  Jack was really upset and seemed to mean it.  Could this be really happening?  What will happen to the children, the house, to their family relationships?  Their friends?  What will people say?   Jill felt like a complete failure and started doubting herself:  “What if I had not started the argument last night?  What if I had listened to him more?” In complete denial, Jill started to think that they could still work this out, it could not be the end of their marriage.  All she had to do was to convince Jack to attend marriage counselling.  Surely, he would realize that he was making the biggest mistake of his life! 

If, like Jill, your spouse just announced that he or she wants a separation, you are probably going through an emotional roller-coaster.  This is a very tough time for you.  Don’t do it blindly, and don’t do it alone. Here are a few tips to consider:

• Get support: You cannot go through this alone.  Call your best friend, a family member or someone that you trust.  Talk about it.  Let it out.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.
• Take time off work: You cannot function in this state of mind.  If you can, take a few days off.  Most employers will understand if you explain the situation to them.  
• Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself is hard to do when your world is crumbling down.  But during the next few months, you will need to do just that because no one else will do it for you.  For some people, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes to take a hot bath each night, going for a massage, or asking your parents or friends to babysit the children one evening per week to give you some alone time.   Don’t hesitate to ask for help, now is the time.
• Get reliable information: Maybe you will not separate, but if it does happen, at least you will know what you are dealing with. You are possibly consumed with fears at this time.  Finding out about your rights and obligations can alleviate some of these fears.  Participate in one of our teleconferences, listen to one that is offered in replay on the subject that concerns you (children, support, family property), call our helpline, attend our Divorce Straight Talk seminars or spend an hour with a good family lawyer to get the basic information that you need.