Blended families! Who pays for what?

Jill’s sister Anna went through a difficult divorce.  Everything has been settled with her ex-husband and she has been in a new relationship for the past two years.  Tom, her new beau, has two children.  They are planning to move together come Summer time but Anna is nervous about moving in with a new spouse, particularly with one who has two dependent children to take care of.  In the end, all she wants is for her new family to be happy!

Stepfamilies now make up approximately 13% of Canadian families with children. Almost half of those are blended families with children from the new and former relationships, or from which one partner brings children from a previous relationship. Blending might result in some financial challenges, particularly when one spouse has children and the other does not.  Here are a few tips to insure that financial issues do not get in the way of your happy blended family:

• Be proactive. Have an open and frank discussion about your financial position before moving in together.  Disclose your assets, your debts and talk about your budget, your lifestyle and your financial habits, goals and preferences;

• Meet with a lawyer to discuss whether or not a cohabitation or marriage contract would be necessary in your case to protect your existing assets or to determine in advance what you will or will not share financially during your relationship and in the event of a separation;

• The spouses should be clear about what they are prepared to contribute, if anything, to assist with raising the other spouse’s children.  If your understanding is that you will never be called upon to support your spouse’s children, during and/or after the relationship, put that understanding in writing (normally in a cohabitation agreement or marriage contract);

• Consult an accountant to discuss how you may be able to organize your financial affairs to minimize the tax consequences of living together.  For instance, after 12 continuous months of living together, you are required by the Canada Revenue Agency to change your marital status to common law partner.  One’s ability to claim certain tax credits and benefits may be affected by that change.

Blended families can be very successful both for the new couple and for the children who form this new family, particularly when the spouses take the time to plan ahead and discuss in an open and honest manner about what each of them expects from the relationship. Life is giving you a second chance, so start on the right foot and plan!

Family Law is not a “one size fits all”

Jack is leaving with peace of mind for a one week vacation with the children during the school March Break.  He is feeling much better now that he has spent an hour with a family lawyer he just retained to represent him in the context of his separation from Jill.  Speaking with friends, family members and other well-intentioned – but misinformed – people had left him completely anxious, discouraged and convinced that he would lose it all to Jill unless he hired a “big gun” lawyer, took a “go-for-the-throat” stance in his separation process and spent half of his retirement savings in legal proceedings.   The lawyer he retained was reassuring, clearly explained to him his rights – yes, men and women have equal rights – and obligations and, most importantly, explained to him that it was not necessary to create a legal war to arrive at a fair and equitable settlement, even if he and Jill did not see eye-to-eye on many things.

On top of all of that, Jack learned that when you are going through a separation, you need to be very careful about who you listen to.  During this one-hour informational meeting, Jack learned that he, just like many of his supporters, had many misconceptions about family law, separation and divorce.  Among other things, Jack learned that he was WRONG to believe that: 

1. Couples living in common-law relationships had the same rights and obligations than married couples;

2. The laws about separation and divorce are the same throughout Canada;

3.  A spouse’s extra-marital affairs and/or bad behaviour could result in a less favourable financial settlement for that spouse;

4.  If Jill remarried, his spousal support obligations would automatically stop;

5.  Having joint custody of the children would mean that neither he or Jill would have to pay child support to the other;

6.  “Joint custody” meant that the children spent one week with one parent and one week with the other;

7. Even if he and Jill had signed a marriage contract (something he had thought about asking Jill to sign when they got married), the result would be the same (i.e. that a marriage contract not worth the paper it is written on, as they are not recognized by courts when there is a separation);

8.  If Jill refuses to let him see the children as he wants, he has the right to stop paying child support;

9.  When his children are twelve years old, they can choose where they want to live;

10.  If push comes to shove, he could just take a lower-paying job and would not have to pay spousal support.

There is lot to be said about family law issues, and many people have an incredible amount of misconceptions about them. That’s why it is very important to be careful about who you listen to when you go through a separation as what applied to them may not apply to you.  Just remember that family law is not a “one size fits all” and getting clear and reliable information about YOUR family matter can avoid costly  battles as well as future headaches and heartaches. 

The next step... our children

Jack is relieved that he finally told Jill the truth about his decision to separate, which had been weighting on him for quite some time.  He did not expect Jill’s reaction when he dropped the bombshell.  When Jack got married, he never planned to get divorced but now he realizes that they had problems in their relationship which were more obvious to others than to them.  He is hurting too and he is afraid of all the changes that lie ahead. His biggest fear is how the children will react to this, but he feels confident that the children will adapt with time.  Even if he and Jill are separated, Jack plans to continue to live with her in the home for a while until the children “adapt” to the idea of living into two separate homes.  Jack understood from his lawyer that there is no need to make rash decisions.  Jack believes that once Jill comes to terms with the separation, they will make this transition work for the sake of the children.  After all, they have always made a great team when it came to the children.

Ex-spouses living together after separation are much more common than you think. Some want to minimize the disruption in the children’s routine, others cannot afford to financially separate until some event takes place (like the sale of the home or the settlement of support issues).  When both parents continue to live in the same home, there is no physical separation and, in the eyes of the children, the separation is not truly happening. Whether you remain in the same home for a time, or whether the physical separation takes place right away, here are a few tips that you might want to consider before breaking the news to your children:

• When they are told about their parents’ separation, children often go “into shock” and in complete denial themselves. The children often maintain the dream that their parents will get back together.    Explaining the separation to your children is never easy. Sometimes you may not know what to say as you may be having a hard time yourself accepting the separation and all its realities. Tell the truth, as much as you can, and never promise your children something you cannot deliver such as “you will see daddy as much as you want”. 
• At the news of the separation, some children believe that the breakup is their fault.  Parents need to help their children understand that the separation is a problem that exists between Mom and Dad and that their actions or behaviour had nothing to do with the separation.  Your children know more than you think.  They have been feeling the tension and they have heard your conversations even if they were held behind closed doors!  Keep your children away from conflict and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent. 
• Children want to love both parents and the separation may create a sense of abandonment.  Children often feel like they have lost one parent and that they might lose the other one.  As a result, they tend to cling to their parents.  Reassure your children that you are not leaving them but only the relationship with their mother or father.  Show them lots of love, patience and understanding as they are filled with fears and anxieties about their own future.