Could a parenting coordinator help us?

Jack and Jill have been able to reach an interim agreement about parenting issues and the care of their two children.  Unfortunately, this has not stopped them from fighting about the kids. From Jack’s perspective, Jill is completely inflexible in her thinking and she refuses to follow the agreement with regards to access, consent to travel with the children, payment of the children’s expenses and so on.  Jack wonders what is the point of having an agreement if he needs to run to his lawyer and take legal action every time Jill does not follow the rules.

In high-conflict separations or divorces, parenting issues may arise frequently even if the parents have signed a comprehensive parenting agreement. Going to court every time a dispute arises is both untimely and expensive.  However, “Parenting Coordination” could be your best option to manage those day-to-day disputes in a timely and cost-effective manner.

How does parenting coordination work?  A Parenting Coordinator is a neutral person to whom parents can turn to when they cannot agree on matters relating to their children. The Parenting Coordinator is usually a psychotherapist, social worker, family lawyer, counsellor or mediator who has a significant expertise in parenting and divorce conflict management and who has obtained a Parenting Coordination certification. The Parenting Coordinator is hired by the parents (by contract) or appointed by the family court (on consent of the parents).  His/her role is to help parents come to a successful resolution of ongoing disputes as they arise between themselves. If the parents are unable to resolve the dispute, the Parenting Coordinator is empowered to impose a decision on them. In other words, the decision of the Parenting Coordinator must be followed by the parents, as if ordered by a Court.

While the cost of the Parenting Coordinator is assumed by the parents equally (or as otherwise ordered by the Parenting Coordinator when required to impose a decision on the parties), that cost is, without a doubt, cheaper than the cost of two lawyers and months of court proceedings to resolve the dispute!  Most importantly, the matter will be resolved very quickly (sometimes in a matter of days) as opposed to taking several months through the court process.  Keep in mind that, according to a wide body of research, while separation and divorce may be a hard transition for children, in the end, it is parental conflict that is the most harmful to children.

She’s seeking sole custody? Is she trying to alienate me from my kids!

Jack is furious that Jill is seeking sole custody of their two children. He regards himself as a father who has always been involved with his children, and believes that he has much to offer his kids, both in terms of decision-making and in terms of the time they spend together.  Jack views Jill’s actions post- separation as an overt attempt to cut him out of the children’s lives, and “alienate” them from him. But is this the proper use of the term, “parental alienation?”

A parent who engages in alienating behaviour deliberately and actively campaigns to estrange his or her child from the other parent. Specifically, an alienating parent will talk negatively about the other parent or treat that parent disparagingly in the child’s presence; he or she may tell false stories and lie about the other parent directly to the child. Such parents will not allow their children to speak openly about the other parent in positive terms, or relate positive experiences they have had with the other parent. Moreover, alienating parents may subject their children to interrogation immediately following their return home from access visits, or create divided loyalties by refusing to allow the child to wear clothing purchased by the other parent or bring gifts home from the other parent.

 

Such behaviour on the part of the alienating parent typically occurs over extended periods of time. In response, a child who is alienated will consistently express negative feelings about a parent, or outright reject a parent, for reasons which are unjustified given the child’s past relationship with that parent and given the rejected parent’s conduct itself.

Courts must assess allegations of parental alienation on an individual basis, in order to determine whether a child’s fear or rejection of a parent is reasonable and justified given the circumstances of that particular case.  Was this child previously abused by her parent? Does the parent routinely miss or cancel access visits? What type of relationship did the child have with her parent prior to separation? If a child has valid reasons for exhibiting fear of his parent, or if there is a history which explains why the child refuses to attend access visits or engage with his parent, then it is inaccurate to claim that the child is alienated. If, on the other hand, a child who used to enjoy a loving and meaningful relationship with her parent is now truly fearful of that parent, or outright hostile toward that parent, then parental alienation may be at issue.

The court’s role in custody and access cases is to determine what is in the child’s best interests; it is not the court’s objective to reward or punish parents for their behaviour. Therefore, how courts respond to cases where parental alienation exists is not uniform. In certain cases, reunification or reintegration counselling may be recommended; a complete change to the existing custody and access regime may be ordered. In other instances, courts may find that to order any change to the status quo would cause further harm to the child.

So if you believe that your ex-spouse may be engaging in an alienating behaviour, don’t jump to conclusions.  Seek the assistance of a mental health professional who will be able to guide you through this process and make proper recommendations as to an intervention plan which may, or may not, involve hiring a lawyer.

Leaving the country with the children for March Break? Bring a Consent Letter!

Jill is planning to take a boat cruise with the children this March Break.  She is fed up of the cold winter, she is exhausted with the separation process and feels that a good family vacation would do some good.  Jack, however, does not feel the same way.  Jill has so far refused to cover her fair share of the mortgage and if she does not have money for that, she shouldn’t spend thousands on a luxurious vacation south. Jill doesn’t know what to do.  There is no way she can be in court before the scheduled trip and she is afraid that custom authorities will not let her through with the children if she does not have a consent letter signed by Jack… Or should she try anyway?

 

Traveling with children is always a challenge for parents, whether or not you are still together. If you travel with your children and the other parent is not part of the trip, you will need to get the other parent to sign a consent letter giving you permission to leave the country with the children.   A consent letter is normally required by customs whether you have sole custody or joint custody of your children.  It does not matter whether your custodial rights come from a separation agreement or a court order.  If you do not want any surprises at customs, make sure you pack your passport, the children’s passports and an original consent letter in the prescribed form.  The Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade Canada provides an example of a consent letter that you may use to create your own letter.  For your convenience, you may access this consent letter directly from our FREE Toolbox (click here). However, it is advisable to have the consent letter notarized by a lawyer (or someone having authority to swear an oath such a doctor, legal assistant, city officials, etc.) to make sure that the validity of the other parent’s signature is not questioned by customs.

 

Most separation agreements provide that the other parent’s consent must be sought in advance, and that such consent cannot be unreasonably withheld.  But what happens if your ex-spouse refuses to sign the consent letter?  Unfortunately, this happens too often – but sometimes for very valid reasons (health or safety issues) but sometimes simply as a means to engage the other parent in conflict.  If your ex-spouse refuses to sign a consent letter for no valid reason, you may have to bring the matter to court to obtain the court’s authorization to travel with the children outside of the country.  If the court finds that your ex-spouse’s refusal was unreasonable, it can order your ex-spouse to pay for all of the legal fees you had to incur to obtain the court order.

 

This is of course an expensive – and extremely stressful – way to begin a vacation with your children.  You may also need to book an extra week of vacation just to recuperate!  To avoid these unfortunate situations and to keep having fun in the sun, make sure that your separation agreement or divorce order includes well-drafted and comprehensive travel provisions setting out clear expectations when traveling abroad with the children.

Child Support – Why should I support my wife’s shopping addiction?

Following many discussions, Jack and Jill have finally agreed for Jill to have the children in her primary care (equal to 70% of the time) and Jack, because of his work obligations and difficult schedule, will have them in his care every second weekend including one or two evenings in between (or 30% of the time).  As a result of this arrangement and because he earns a substantially higher income than Jill, Jack’s monthly child support payment will increase.  Jack is concerned about Jill’s love for shopping. While he financially supported it during the marriage, Jack is convinced that a good chunk of the child support he will pay will not be spent on the children. Jack spoke to colleagues at work who used all sorts of strategies to reduce their child support payments. He wonders whether he should have insisted to have the children 50% of the time and whether it was a good idea to accept the long-awaited promotion handed out to him at work, resulting in a higher income… and higher child support payments.

Both of these options are not advisable.  Firstly, a parent should never make parenting decisions based on financial considerations (i.e. with a view of reducing child support).  The court would readily see such a decision for what it is and the parent would lose credibility before the court (or a mediator).  Decision-making authorities assess parenting arrangements based on what is in the best interest of the children, and nothing else.  Rights and obligations regarding children are the same whether you are married or living in a common law relationship.

In the same way, it is a terrible idea for a parent to take steps to quit a well-paying job or to voluntarily reduce his/her annual income to avoid paying child support.  If a court finds that the payer parent has voluntarily reduced his/her income, it may impute an annual income that is greater than the one shown on the income tax return.  The amount of the imputed income will be based on what the court believes the payer parent has the capability to earn.  Following the court decision, that parent will be obligated to pay the higher basic child support amount imputed.  

Many payer parents are concerned with the way basic child support is being used by the recipient parent. While this may be frustrating in some circumstances, the payer parent has no control over the money once it has been paid to the recipient parent. What payers need to understand is that basic child support is not meant to cover strictly expenses that directly benefit the children themselves (such as food and clothing).  It also serves to cover expenses which benefit the children indirectly (although it also has the effect of benefitting the parent as well), such as the mortgage and utilities (for the home in which the children live), the car (which is used to travel them around) and, yes, even the brand new porch…

The payer parent should also keep in mind that in the Federal Child Support Guidelines, basic child support amounts vary for each Canadian provinces and territories and are set based on the amount that an individual parent, with a specific income, is expected to spend to provide for his/her children.   It is simple, the higher the income, the higher the child support amount will be.  Although a payer parent may feel that it would be « cheaper » not to pay child support and to have the children half the time instead, let’s remember that raising children is extremely expensive (many little things, which you may not think about, result in considerable costs when pulled together; haircuts, school lunches and activities, birthday parties, toys, personal care items and, yes, those LuLu Lemon pants…).  In the vast majority of cases, the basic child support amount will not be sufficient to cover that parent’s share of the children’s expenses (both direct and indirect) and the recipient parent will often have to modify his/her current standard of living to support the children financially.

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