Jack is doing very well as a single dad. He is proud of his children who seem to be coping fairly well with the separation, with the exception of a few crying spells at night as they miss their mother’s kisses before going to bed. Jack is worried, however, of the long-term effects of the separation on the children. Research studies demonstrate that, although a separation can be tough on kids, particularly in the first few months following the break-up, what is really damaging to a child’s health, development and overall well-being is parental conflict. Children are like sponges and they know and sense when something is wrong, no matter their age. Babies cry when they feel tension between the parents, while teenagers will slam the doors to be heard. Being a child of separation himself, Jack knows that what children want most is to be loved by both of their parents. Since becoming a single parent did not come with a manual, Jack has read a few books where many professionals have provided advice on how to help children cope with separation and divorce and adapt positively to their new lives.
Here are a few useful tips that guide Jack in his everyday life as a single dad:
1. Tell your children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where the other parent has gone, how the summer and Christmas holidays will be organised etc. (It’s all in the delivery of the message. Choose your words and tone of voice).
2. Tell your children that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will still be safe and secure. (Even after the separation, children need to be constantly reassured).
3. Children see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent's love for a child is a special kind that never stops. (Saying I love you is more important than ever).
4. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. (Showing love and understanding is more important than ever).
5. Children often hope for years for their parents to get back together and feel responsible for bringing them back together. It is important to let them know, gently but firmly, that the breakup is final. (It may not be easy to say especially if you are still in denial yourself. However, giving false hope of reconciliation is not healthy for anyone involved).
6. Avoid situations where the children must choose between parents such as:
• Using the children as a way to get back at your spouse. (Children can feel that they are being used and can be terribly wounded).
• Saying bad things about the other parent in front of the children. (It is not always easy to remain the bigger person when you are hurting however, no one can take away your dignity).
• Saying things that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent. (What goes around comes around).
• Encouraging the children to take sides. (All they want is to be loved equally).
7. Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best gifts you can give your children (Cooperating responsibly with the other parent toward the growth and development of your children is an expression of your mutual love for them.)
Parenting is forever and being a single parent can be very hard at times. When you don’t know what to do anymore because nothing seems to work anyway, just remember that the best tools you possess and to which all children react positively to are LOVE, PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING.
