All I need from my mom and dad after divorce

It is almost the end of the school year and the children have been coming home with their backpacks full of assignments that they completed in class with their teachers.  As Jack is sifting through the pile of papers on the kitchen counter, he found a wrinkled piece of paper written by his teenage daughter entitled: “All I need from my mom and dad”.   This is an assignment that was completed in English earlier in the year.  It broke Jack’s heart… Here’s what it said:

 

« All I need from my mom and dad »

•   I need both of you to stay involved in my life on a daily basis.  Please write emails, text me, make phone calls, and ask me LOTS of questions about school, my friends, my interests, my fears, my dreams and ambitions.  When you do not stay involved, I feel like I am not important and that you do not care about me anymore.
•   When you say you will visit me, make sure you show up because I feel so sad and lonely and often I feel the rejection over and over again.  I just want to spend time with you!
•   I want and I need to love both of you.  Please support the time that I spend with each of you and also with my step-parents.  If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. 
•   Stop making me the messenger!   Communicate directly with my other parent. I often feel like the bearer of bad news and my stomach is in knots until I deliver the message. 
At my age, I don’t need this constant stress.

•   Always remember this:  I want both of you to be a part of my life on a daily basis. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me, to teach me what’s important, and to help me when I have problems.  I want to confide in you but before I do that I need to be constantly reassured that I can TRUST you and that you ARE there for me at all times!

As a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to support your children during – and especially after – your divorce because often you simply do not know what to say to them.   Being a step-parent is even harder because you seem to be living in this grey zone – should I hug his/her children?  Tell them I love them?  Although they are not the parents, often step-parents are more involved in the children’s daily lives then the access parent.   The divorce is a transitional time that cannot be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.   If your children do not live with you primarily, do not fall into the trap of buying your children’s love with presents.  Give them the gift of time…

 

In the end, no matter their age and no matter the circumstances, all children want the same thing from their parents and step-parents such as reassurance, a listening ear, stability, routine and structure.  But most of all, children want to be part of a family that loves them and shows them every day by being present in their lives.  They want parents and step-parents to participate in their activities, to give them hugs and high fives and to take the time to cook and enjoy a nice family diner.  Simply said, your children need your presence more than your presents!

I want my share in your business!

 

Jill’s sister has been living in a common-law relationship with her boyfriend for 11 years.  They have two children together, they own a home jointly and they have invested in a rental property through a company belonging to her boyfriend.  In all aspects (except for the very expensive wedding), they are like a married couple.  As of late, things have been rocky in their relationship and her sister has sought Jill’s guidance with regard to their rental property. She thought that since Jill is going through a separation herself, she would know the answer to her questions. However, Jill herself was married and she wonders if the same rules would apply to common law spouses.

 

The answer is NO. When it comes to property rights, things are very different for common law spouses than for married spouses. If you are married, Ontario laws very specifically set out how your family property is to be shared.  The rules are clear and will be strictly followed by lawyers and judges (unless you and your spouse agree to share your property differently).  However, this property division scheme does not apply to common law couples in Ontario.

 

It does not mean that non-married spouses have no legal remedies when it comes to property. To rectify what courts often saw as a terrible injustice, Canadian courts have created some legal principles which, if some conditions are established, allow common-law spouses to share in the value of a property owned by the other spouse following a separation. The main legal principle applied by Canadian courts to split assets between unmarried spouses is called “unjust enrichment”.

 

In simple terms, “unjust enrichment” may be established when one spouse made a contribution (financial or otherwise) towards the acquisition, maintenance or improvement of an asset (for instance a piece of property) which is owned by one spouse only, resulting in a financial benefit for the other party, to the first party’s detriment.  In the case of Jill’s sister, it would be profoundly unjust if she did not get to share in the value of the property held in her boyfriend’s company name given that they contributed an equal amount of money and efforts towards its purchase and maintenance.

 

This said, proving unjust enrichment can be quite a challenge sometimes, and the cost of making this claim before a court of law can be out of reach for many people.  For that reason, prevention is always better than cure, and many of the challenges associated with unjust enrichment claims can usually be avoided from the outset with careful family planning through cohabitation agreements and other legal contracts. For more information about this subject listen to our program:

 

«Protecting Your Finances: Marriage Contracts and Cohabitation Agreement (“prenupts”)»  http://www.familylawinabox.com/info/study_box.php