Can I adopt my partner’s child?

Jill's friend, Joyce, has been with her spouse Robert for over 12 years now.  Robert has a daughter, Jenny, who is 14 years old.  Joyce is the only mother that Jenny has ever known, since her own mother (Robert’s 1st wife) passed away when Jenny was only a year old.  Joyce wishes to formalize her role as Jenny’s parent and is thinking about adopting her, though she is uncertain as to whether it is possible (after all, Jenny has a birth mother) and if so, what the steps are. 

In Ontario, it is common for new partner to adopt the child(ren) of their new partners, born from a prior relationship.  It is most common when the other parent has passed or is completely absent from the child’s life.  This process is called an “adoption by a relative or stepparent” and has its own unique legal process.  In fact, it is the only legal means through which a partner can become the true legal parent of his or her partner’s child. 

To qualify for the relative adoption process, the adoptive parent must either be:

• a step-parent

• a grandparent

• an aunt or an uncle

• a great-aunt or a great-uncle

Further, the relative adoption process is only available when the adoptive parents are residents of Ontario and the child resides in Canada.

What is different and often appealing about the adoption by a relative is that it does not affect your existing relationship with your child. It simply causes your partner to become a legal parent of the child as well. If alive, the consent of the other birth parent will be required although a judge may allow the adoption without the parent's consent in some exceptional circumstances (i.e. if the parent is dead, cannot be located or for some other reason if the best interests of the child would be promoted by waiving consent of the other parent).  It is also interesting to note that a child who is 7 years of age or more must consent to the adoption for the adoption to proceed.

Once the adoption order is made, the adoptive parent has deemed to be the parent of the children and is granted the same rights and obligations as any other parent in Canada or the world. 

The children are finally 18, can I stop paying child support?

Jack’s brother, Sam, has twin daughters (Melany and Stephany) who will soon be 18 years old and who continue to live primarily with their mother since the separation. The adult girls have just graduated from high school.     Melany has been working in retail since she is 16 years old and in light of the career opportunities offered by her company she has decided for the time being to work full time in that industry and not pursue her post-secondary studies.    As for Stephany, she aspires to become a doctor and has been accepted to university.  Following the completion of her bachelor degree in sciences, she hopes to enter medical school to pursue her dream.    For the next three years, both girls intend to continue living with their mother   Sam wonders whether he still has an obligation to pay child support after the girls turn 18.

Child support does not necessarily end when a child turns 18.  Normally, child support will continue to be paid for an adult child if he/she enrolls into  a post-secondary study program or if the child is unable to support himself/herself as a result of a disability or illness.  When a child pursues a college or university education the child support obligation will usually end when the child receives his/her first post-secondary degree, although there are exceptions.

To the extent that the obligation to continue to pay child support exists, the monthly amount of support must be determined. This is where things get a bit more complicated.  Normally, if a child lives at home with one parent while pursuing his/her studies, the basic child support amount that was payable prior to the child turning 18 will likely continue to be payable after that date (this amount is set by the Federal Child Support Guidelines, based on the payor’s income). This makes sense since the “custodial” parent will have to continue to maintain a home for the child and to assume his/her day-to-day expenses (i.e., transportation, food, clothing).    However, if the child movesaway from home to attend school (normally 8 months out of 12), then the way child support is calculated would be different as we would have to take into consideration the child’s needs outside of the parent’s home, the reduced costs to the recipient parent when the child is living away from home and the child’s own ability to contribute to his or her living and school expenses.

In addition to paying the basic child support amount, the paying parent (such as Sam) would also have an obligation to contribute his/her share of the child’s extraordinary expenses.  These would include a portion of the child’s tuition fees, books and other school expenses, to the extent that the child is unable to cover all of those expenses with student loans, grants or their own income.

 

Although it may appear that child support obligations will never end, just remember that you are a parent for life.  In the end, giving your child a chance at living a successful and financially independent life (hopefully sooner rather than later…) is what you are here for in the first place, isn’t it?

All I need from my mom and dad after divorce

It is almost the end of the school year and the children have been coming home with their backpacks full of assignments that they completed in class with their teachers.  As Jack is sifting through the pile of papers on the kitchen counter, he found a wrinkled piece of paper written by his teenage daughter entitled: “All I need from my mom and dad”.   This is an assignment that was completed in English earlier in the year.  It broke Jack’s heart… Here’s what it said:

 

« All I need from my mom and dad »

•   I need both of you to stay involved in my life on a daily basis.  Please write emails, text me, make phone calls, and ask me LOTS of questions about school, my friends, my interests, my fears, my dreams and ambitions.  When you do not stay involved, I feel like I am not important and that you do not care about me anymore.
•   When you say you will visit me, make sure you show up because I feel so sad and lonely and often I feel the rejection over and over again.  I just want to spend time with you!
•   I want and I need to love both of you.  Please support the time that I spend with each of you and also with my step-parents.  If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. 
•   Stop making me the messenger!   Communicate directly with my other parent. I often feel like the bearer of bad news and my stomach is in knots until I deliver the message. 
At my age, I don’t need this constant stress.

•   Always remember this:  I want both of you to be a part of my life on a daily basis. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me, to teach me what’s important, and to help me when I have problems.  I want to confide in you but before I do that I need to be constantly reassured that I can TRUST you and that you ARE there for me at all times!

As a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to support your children during – and especially after – your divorce because often you simply do not know what to say to them.   Being a step-parent is even harder because you seem to be living in this grey zone – should I hug his/her children?  Tell them I love them?  Although they are not the parents, often step-parents are more involved in the children’s daily lives then the access parent.   The divorce is a transitional time that cannot be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.   If your children do not live with you primarily, do not fall into the trap of buying your children’s love with presents.  Give them the gift of time…

 

In the end, no matter their age and no matter the circumstances, all children want the same thing from their parents and step-parents such as reassurance, a listening ear, stability, routine and structure.  But most of all, children want to be part of a family that loves them and shows them every day by being present in their lives.  They want parents and step-parents to participate in their activities, to give them hugs and high fives and to take the time to cook and enjoy a nice family diner.  Simply said, your children need your presence more than your presents!

Should we involve the Office of the Children’s Lawyer in our parenting dispute?

Jack thinks that Jill is unreasonable when making plans regarding the children.  She refuses to be flexible when it comes to dividing the time with the children on holidays, sharing information from the school, or letting him take the children for more than a few days here and there. Jack wants to have the children with him half the time to regain his place as a parent in their lives.  His friend has suggested that he should consider getting the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) involved but Jack is leery to engage the children in a process that he does not understand. 

The Office of the Children’s Lawyer is a government-funded organization that oversees that justice is being served on behalf of children (under 18 years of age) through the delivery of various services in the province of Ontario.  It is important to note, however, that the OCL’s involvement in custody and access cases is not automatic.  Their services may be requested by a judge in the context of a court case but there is no guarantee that the OCL will provide services.  If it does, then those services will be provided free of charge to the parents.  In essence, the OCL steps in as an objective third party to introduce some impartiality in disputes between parents.  The OCL can provide two very useful services: independent legal representation for children and custody and access assessments performed by trained social science professionals.

Independent legal representation will normally be provided when the child is older or at least sufficiently mature to express his opinion about his preferences. The child’s lawyer will be an advocate for the child and his/her role and responsibility will be to convey to the judge the child’s wishes and preferences with regards to the visitation arrangements that he would prefer.  For younger children or for families that present important challenges (such as allegations of domestic violence, substance abuse, parental alienation or where a child has special needs), the OCL may become involved by carrying out a comprehensive family assessment.  Following such an assessment, the OCL’s clinical investigators will report to the court to provide recommendations about the custody and access arrangements that would be best for the children.

The OCL’s services are very effective at helping parents make decisions that are in the best interest of their children, when they have not been able to do so on their own. Of course, it is always best for everybody when parents are able to agree between themselves as to what is best for their kids, as parents may not be happy with the recommendations made by an outsider, be it a judge or the professionals working for the OCL.