It is almost the end of the school year and the children have been coming home with their backpacks full of assignments that they completed in class with their teachers. As Jack is sifting through the pile of papers on the kitchen counter, he found a wrinkled piece of paper written by his teenage daughter entitled: “All I need from my mom and dad”. This is an assignment that was completed in English earlier in the year. It broke Jack’s heart… Here’s what it said:
« All I need from my mom and dad »
• I need both of you to stay involved in my life on a daily basis. Please write emails, text me, make phone calls, and ask me LOTS of questions about school, my friends, my interests, my fears, my dreams and ambitions. When you do not stay involved, I feel like I am not important and that you do not care about me anymore.
• When you say you will visit me, make sure you show up because I feel so sad and lonely and often I feel the rejection over and over again. I just want to spend time with you!
• I want and I need to love both of you. Please support the time that I spend with each of you and also with my step-parents. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
• Stop making me the messenger! Communicate directly with my other parent. I often feel like the bearer of bad news and my stomach is in knots until I deliver the message.
At my age, I don’t need this constant stress.
• Always remember this: I want both of you to be a part of my life on a daily basis. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me, to teach me what’s important, and to help me when I have problems. I want to confide in you but before I do that I need to be constantly reassured that I can TRUST you and that you ARE there for me at all times!
As a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to support your children during – and especially after – your divorce because often you simply do not know what to say to them. Being a step-parent is even harder because you seem to be living in this grey zone – should I hug his/her children? Tell them I love them? Although they are not the parents, often step-parents are more involved in the children’s daily lives then the access parent. The divorce is a transitional time that cannot be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. If your children do not live with you primarily, do not fall into the trap of buying your children’s love with presents. Give them the gift of time…
In the end, no matter their age and no matter the circumstances, all children want the same thing from their parents and step-parents such as reassurance, a listening ear, stability, routine and structure. But most of all, children want to be part of a family that loves them and shows them every day by being present in their lives. They want parents and step-parents to participate in their activities, to give them hugs and high fives and to take the time to cook and enjoy a nice family diner. Simply said, your children need your presence more than your presents!
Nice and very informative. I am studying this problem and I must say that your article has helped me a lot. Mr. Ashurov
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