Can I adopt my partner’s child?

Jill's friend, Joyce, has been with her spouse Robert for over 12 years now.  Robert has a daughter, Jenny, who is 14 years old.  Joyce is the only mother that Jenny has ever known, since her own mother (Robert’s 1st wife) passed away when Jenny was only a year old.  Joyce wishes to formalize her role as Jenny’s parent and is thinking about adopting her, though she is uncertain as to whether it is possible (after all, Jenny has a birth mother) and if so, what the steps are. 

In Ontario, it is common for new partner to adopt the child(ren) of their new partners, born from a prior relationship.  It is most common when the other parent has passed or is completely absent from the child’s life.  This process is called an “adoption by a relative or stepparent” and has its own unique legal process.  In fact, it is the only legal means through which a partner can become the true legal parent of his or her partner’s child. 

To qualify for the relative adoption process, the adoptive parent must either be:

• a step-parent

• a grandparent

• an aunt or an uncle

• a great-aunt or a great-uncle

Further, the relative adoption process is only available when the adoptive parents are residents of Ontario and the child resides in Canada.

What is different and often appealing about the adoption by a relative is that it does not affect your existing relationship with your child. It simply causes your partner to become a legal parent of the child as well. If alive, the consent of the other birth parent will be required although a judge may allow the adoption without the parent's consent in some exceptional circumstances (i.e. if the parent is dead, cannot be located or for some other reason if the best interests of the child would be promoted by waiving consent of the other parent).  It is also interesting to note that a child who is 7 years of age or more must consent to the adoption for the adoption to proceed.

Once the adoption order is made, the adoptive parent has deemed to be the parent of the children and is granted the same rights and obligations as any other parent in Canada or the world. 

All I need from my mom and dad after divorce

It is almost the end of the school year and the children have been coming home with their backpacks full of assignments that they completed in class with their teachers.  As Jack is sifting through the pile of papers on the kitchen counter, he found a wrinkled piece of paper written by his teenage daughter entitled: “All I need from my mom and dad”.   This is an assignment that was completed in English earlier in the year.  It broke Jack’s heart… Here’s what it said:

 

« All I need from my mom and dad »

•   I need both of you to stay involved in my life on a daily basis.  Please write emails, text me, make phone calls, and ask me LOTS of questions about school, my friends, my interests, my fears, my dreams and ambitions.  When you do not stay involved, I feel like I am not important and that you do not care about me anymore.
•   When you say you will visit me, make sure you show up because I feel so sad and lonely and often I feel the rejection over and over again.  I just want to spend time with you!
•   I want and I need to love both of you.  Please support the time that I spend with each of you and also with my step-parents.  If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. 
•   Stop making me the messenger!   Communicate directly with my other parent. I often feel like the bearer of bad news and my stomach is in knots until I deliver the message. 
At my age, I don’t need this constant stress.

•   Always remember this:  I want both of you to be a part of my life on a daily basis. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me, to teach me what’s important, and to help me when I have problems.  I want to confide in you but before I do that I need to be constantly reassured that I can TRUST you and that you ARE there for me at all times!

As a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to support your children during – and especially after – your divorce because often you simply do not know what to say to them.   Being a step-parent is even harder because you seem to be living in this grey zone – should I hug his/her children?  Tell them I love them?  Although they are not the parents, often step-parents are more involved in the children’s daily lives then the access parent.   The divorce is a transitional time that cannot be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.   If your children do not live with you primarily, do not fall into the trap of buying your children’s love with presents.  Give them the gift of time…

 

In the end, no matter their age and no matter the circumstances, all children want the same thing from their parents and step-parents such as reassurance, a listening ear, stability, routine and structure.  But most of all, children want to be part of a family that loves them and shows them every day by being present in their lives.  They want parents and step-parents to participate in their activities, to give them hugs and high fives and to take the time to cook and enjoy a nice family diner.  Simply said, your children need your presence more than your presents!