Can I adopt my partner’s child?

Jill's friend, Joyce, has been with her spouse Robert for over 12 years now.  Robert has a daughter, Jenny, who is 14 years old.  Joyce is the only mother that Jenny has ever known, since her own mother (Robert’s 1st wife) passed away when Jenny was only a year old.  Joyce wishes to formalize her role as Jenny’s parent and is thinking about adopting her, though she is uncertain as to whether it is possible (after all, Jenny has a birth mother) and if so, what the steps are. 

In Ontario, it is common for new partner to adopt the child(ren) of their new partners, born from a prior relationship.  It is most common when the other parent has passed or is completely absent from the child’s life.  This process is called an “adoption by a relative or stepparent” and has its own unique legal process.  In fact, it is the only legal means through which a partner can become the true legal parent of his or her partner’s child. 

To qualify for the relative adoption process, the adoptive parent must either be:

• a step-parent

• a grandparent

• an aunt or an uncle

• a great-aunt or a great-uncle

Further, the relative adoption process is only available when the adoptive parents are residents of Ontario and the child resides in Canada.

What is different and often appealing about the adoption by a relative is that it does not affect your existing relationship with your child. It simply causes your partner to become a legal parent of the child as well. If alive, the consent of the other birth parent will be required although a judge may allow the adoption without the parent's consent in some exceptional circumstances (i.e. if the parent is dead, cannot be located or for some other reason if the best interests of the child would be promoted by waiving consent of the other parent).  It is also interesting to note that a child who is 7 years of age or more must consent to the adoption for the adoption to proceed.

Once the adoption order is made, the adoptive parent has deemed to be the parent of the children and is granted the same rights and obligations as any other parent in Canada or the world. 

Why does my ex need to see my income tax return?

Jack has been paying child and spousal support to Jill for over a year now, pursuant to a temporary agreement reached between them in mediation based on what they anticipated to earn in 2013.  Jack recently completed his 2013 income tax return, which confirms that his actual income for that year was higher than he had anticipated.  He wonders whether he has an obligation to tell Jill about his higher income.  The last thing he wants is for her to find out that he is making more money and, as a result, that he needs to increase the monthly support payments he is making!  

 

Normally, final separation agreements (or court orders) which contain child support obligations will provide that parties have to exchange their income information each year.  This is because the law (Child Support Guidelines) specifically says that child support may be varied each year to reflect any changes in the parents’ income.  The change does not have to be important: as a payor’s income fluctuates, so does his or her child support obligation. Thus, the importance for parents to exchange income information each year.

This is not necessarily the case for spousal support.  Usually, an ex-spouse’s obligation to pay spousal support is based on the income that the parties earned at the time of their separation.  To subsequently vary a spousal support agreement or court order, the person requesting the change  must show that there has been a “material change in either party’s circumstances” since the making of the agreement or court order.  A significant change in one’s income may (and I say “may”) justify a change in spousal support. Other circumstances justifying a variation of spousal support could include a payor’s retirement; the support recipient moving in with a new spouse; the termination of a child support obligation; a change in employment for either party; or any other such change affecting either parties’ financial situation.  Since there is no inherent right to vary spousal support each year, there is normally no positive obligation imposed on the ex-spouses to exchange their income information yearly.  However, the ex-spouses have an obligation to disclose any “material change in one’s circumstances” when it arises. As always, if the parties cannot agree on the new support amount, they will need to seek the variance through a court order.  

Stop focusing only on the negative

Jack and Jill have been separated for more than two years now.  However, Jill cannot stop talking negatively about Jack.  She cannot forget the names calling or the fact that he “lied” about his annual income to avoid paying child and spousal support.   When she feels tired, overworked, and stressed out by all conflicting demands on her time, Jill’s negative thoughts creep into her mind and play out like a movie. As a result, Jill is often depressed, she lacks energy and many of her girlfriends do not call her as much anymore.  Like many separated people, she has fallen prey to negative thinking… 

During and after a separation, people live periods of loss and grievance.  For many, separation is a failure.  Focusing only on the negative aspects of the relationship often helps a person justify to themselves and their entourage the reasons for the breakup. However, no one is served by holding onto negative thoughts indefinitely.  Getting counseling or divorce coaching is often necessary to move forward. 

 

Often those who think negatively do so out of habit.   It is a lot easier to dwell and complain about the 5% that is going “wrong” (i.e. the car that cut you off this morning) instead of focusing on the 95% that is going well (i.e. your health, job, children etc.). Studies have demonstrated that positive thinking can be extremely beneficial for improving self-confidence and psychological well-being, as well as boosting physical health.  Here are a few tips to help you maintain or develop a positive attitude:

1.      Meditate or do yoga - learn how to breathe and ease your mind;

2.      Smile – it will change your mood and relieve stress;

3.      Surround yourself with positive people –  a good friend can help you put things into perspective;

4.      Don’t play the victim even if your living situation is unbearable - there is always a way out; and

5.      Remember that no one is perfect – stop dwelling on the “what if”, learn from this life experience and move forward.

Could a parenting coordinator help us?

Jack and Jill have been able to reach an interim agreement about parenting issues and the care of their two children.  Unfortunately, this has not stopped them from fighting about the kids. From Jack’s perspective, Jill is completely inflexible in her thinking and she refuses to follow the agreement with regards to access, consent to travel with the children, payment of the children’s expenses and so on.  Jack wonders what is the point of having an agreement if he needs to run to his lawyer and take legal action every time Jill does not follow the rules.

In high-conflict separations or divorces, parenting issues may arise frequently even if the parents have signed a comprehensive parenting agreement. Going to court every time a dispute arises is both untimely and expensive.  However, “Parenting Coordination” could be your best option to manage those day-to-day disputes in a timely and cost-effective manner.

How does parenting coordination work?  A Parenting Coordinator is a neutral person to whom parents can turn to when they cannot agree on matters relating to their children. The Parenting Coordinator is usually a psychotherapist, social worker, family lawyer, counsellor or mediator who has a significant expertise in parenting and divorce conflict management and who has obtained a Parenting Coordination certification. The Parenting Coordinator is hired by the parents (by contract) or appointed by the family court (on consent of the parents).  His/her role is to help parents come to a successful resolution of ongoing disputes as they arise between themselves. If the parents are unable to resolve the dispute, the Parenting Coordinator is empowered to impose a decision on them. In other words, the decision of the Parenting Coordinator must be followed by the parents, as if ordered by a Court.

While the cost of the Parenting Coordinator is assumed by the parents equally (or as otherwise ordered by the Parenting Coordinator when required to impose a decision on the parties), that cost is, without a doubt, cheaper than the cost of two lawyers and months of court proceedings to resolve the dispute!  Most importantly, the matter will be resolved very quickly (sometimes in a matter of days) as opposed to taking several months through the court process.  Keep in mind that, according to a wide body of research, while separation and divorce may be a hard transition for children, in the end, it is parental conflict that is the most harmful to children.

All I need from my mom and dad after divorce

It is almost the end of the school year and the children have been coming home with their backpacks full of assignments that they completed in class with their teachers.  As Jack is sifting through the pile of papers on the kitchen counter, he found a wrinkled piece of paper written by his teenage daughter entitled: “All I need from my mom and dad”.   This is an assignment that was completed in English earlier in the year.  It broke Jack’s heart… Here’s what it said:

 

« All I need from my mom and dad »

•   I need both of you to stay involved in my life on a daily basis.  Please write emails, text me, make phone calls, and ask me LOTS of questions about school, my friends, my interests, my fears, my dreams and ambitions.  When you do not stay involved, I feel like I am not important and that you do not care about me anymore.
•   When you say you will visit me, make sure you show up because I feel so sad and lonely and often I feel the rejection over and over again.  I just want to spend time with you!
•   I want and I need to love both of you.  Please support the time that I spend with each of you and also with my step-parents.  If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. 
•   Stop making me the messenger!   Communicate directly with my other parent. I often feel like the bearer of bad news and my stomach is in knots until I deliver the message. 
At my age, I don’t need this constant stress.

•   Always remember this:  I want both of you to be a part of my life on a daily basis. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me, to teach me what’s important, and to help me when I have problems.  I want to confide in you but before I do that I need to be constantly reassured that I can TRUST you and that you ARE there for me at all times!

As a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to support your children during – and especially after – your divorce because often you simply do not know what to say to them.   Being a step-parent is even harder because you seem to be living in this grey zone – should I hug his/her children?  Tell them I love them?  Although they are not the parents, often step-parents are more involved in the children’s daily lives then the access parent.   The divorce is a transitional time that cannot be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.   If your children do not live with you primarily, do not fall into the trap of buying your children’s love with presents.  Give them the gift of time…

 

In the end, no matter their age and no matter the circumstances, all children want the same thing from their parents and step-parents such as reassurance, a listening ear, stability, routine and structure.  But most of all, children want to be part of a family that loves them and shows them every day by being present in their lives.  They want parents and step-parents to participate in their activities, to give them hugs and high fives and to take the time to cook and enjoy a nice family diner.  Simply said, your children need your presence more than your presents!

She’s seeking sole custody? Is she trying to alienate me from my kids!

Jack is furious that Jill is seeking sole custody of their two children. He regards himself as a father who has always been involved with his children, and believes that he has much to offer his kids, both in terms of decision-making and in terms of the time they spend together.  Jack views Jill’s actions post- separation as an overt attempt to cut him out of the children’s lives, and “alienate” them from him. But is this the proper use of the term, “parental alienation?”

A parent who engages in alienating behaviour deliberately and actively campaigns to estrange his or her child from the other parent. Specifically, an alienating parent will talk negatively about the other parent or treat that parent disparagingly in the child’s presence; he or she may tell false stories and lie about the other parent directly to the child. Such parents will not allow their children to speak openly about the other parent in positive terms, or relate positive experiences they have had with the other parent. Moreover, alienating parents may subject their children to interrogation immediately following their return home from access visits, or create divided loyalties by refusing to allow the child to wear clothing purchased by the other parent or bring gifts home from the other parent.

 

Such behaviour on the part of the alienating parent typically occurs over extended periods of time. In response, a child who is alienated will consistently express negative feelings about a parent, or outright reject a parent, for reasons which are unjustified given the child’s past relationship with that parent and given the rejected parent’s conduct itself.

Courts must assess allegations of parental alienation on an individual basis, in order to determine whether a child’s fear or rejection of a parent is reasonable and justified given the circumstances of that particular case.  Was this child previously abused by her parent? Does the parent routinely miss or cancel access visits? What type of relationship did the child have with her parent prior to separation? If a child has valid reasons for exhibiting fear of his parent, or if there is a history which explains why the child refuses to attend access visits or engage with his parent, then it is inaccurate to claim that the child is alienated. If, on the other hand, a child who used to enjoy a loving and meaningful relationship with her parent is now truly fearful of that parent, or outright hostile toward that parent, then parental alienation may be at issue.

The court’s role in custody and access cases is to determine what is in the child’s best interests; it is not the court’s objective to reward or punish parents for their behaviour. Therefore, how courts respond to cases where parental alienation exists is not uniform. In certain cases, reunification or reintegration counselling may be recommended; a complete change to the existing custody and access regime may be ordered. In other instances, courts may find that to order any change to the status quo would cause further harm to the child.

So if you believe that your ex-spouse may be engaging in an alienating behaviour, don’t jump to conclusions.  Seek the assistance of a mental health professional who will be able to guide you through this process and make proper recommendations as to an intervention plan which may, or may not, involve hiring a lawyer.