The next step... our children

Jack is relieved that he finally told Jill the truth about his decision to separate, which had been weighting on him for quite some time.  He did not expect Jill’s reaction when he dropped the bombshell.  When Jack got married, he never planned to get divorced but now he realizes that they had problems in their relationship which were more obvious to others than to them.  He is hurting too and he is afraid of all the changes that lie ahead. His biggest fear is how the children will react to this, but he feels confident that the children will adapt with time.  Even if he and Jill are separated, Jack plans to continue to live with her in the home for a while until the children “adapt” to the idea of living into two separate homes.  Jack understood from his lawyer that there is no need to make rash decisions.  Jack believes that once Jill comes to terms with the separation, they will make this transition work for the sake of the children.  After all, they have always made a great team when it came to the children.

Ex-spouses living together after separation are much more common than you think. Some want to minimize the disruption in the children’s routine, others cannot afford to financially separate until some event takes place (like the sale of the home or the settlement of support issues).  When both parents continue to live in the same home, there is no physical separation and, in the eyes of the children, the separation is not truly happening. Whether you remain in the same home for a time, or whether the physical separation takes place right away, here are a few tips that you might want to consider before breaking the news to your children:

• When they are told about their parents’ separation, children often go “into shock” and in complete denial themselves. The children often maintain the dream that their parents will get back together.    Explaining the separation to your children is never easy. Sometimes you may not know what to say as you may be having a hard time yourself accepting the separation and all its realities. Tell the truth, as much as you can, and never promise your children something you cannot deliver such as “you will see daddy as much as you want”. 
• At the news of the separation, some children believe that the breakup is their fault.  Parents need to help their children understand that the separation is a problem that exists between Mom and Dad and that their actions or behaviour had nothing to do with the separation.  Your children know more than you think.  They have been feeling the tension and they have heard your conversations even if they were held behind closed doors!  Keep your children away from conflict and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent. 
• Children want to love both parents and the separation may create a sense of abandonment.  Children often feel like they have lost one parent and that they might lose the other one.  As a result, they tend to cling to their parents.  Reassure your children that you are not leaving them but only the relationship with their mother or father.  Show them lots of love, patience and understanding as they are filled with fears and anxieties about their own future.