It only takes a minute to make a phone call!

It is 6:03 p.m. and Jill is home waiting impatiently for the children to return from their visit with Jack.  It is now seven o’clock and the children are still not home.  Jill is really worried that they had a car accident and tries to call Jack on his cell phone but, as usual, she gets the voicemail.  It is 7:52 and Jill is close to tears when finally the car pulls into the laneway.  The children are happy to see their mother, Jack acts like nothing happened and wonders why Jill looks so weird and upset. 

If this scenario sounds familiar, just know that you are not alone. Agreements around children’s exchanges are sometimes not followed and can be a perfect opportunity for an irritated parent to upset the other as a result of thoughtlessness, immaturity, or simple lack of respect.  Unfortunately, there is often no legal sanction for this type of behavior.  Disputes arising from the implementation of the parenting provisions of a court order (such as exchange times) are civil matters, not criminal ones.  The police usually does not get involved unless there is a risk of harm to one parent or the children.

How can you manage your children’s exchanges effectively?  Obtaining a solid parenting agreement containing detailed expectations and built-in sanctions for misbehavior may be the answer to your problems. Your agreement should allow for a reasonable exchange time window as it happens to everyone to be “reasonably” late because of traffic, work or some other unavoidable delay.   However, if the parent does not call to notify the other parent or simply does not show for the visit, then the agreement should provide that the parenting time is lost so as to allow the other parent to carry on with his/her day. The same sanction could apply to future parenting time if the children are not returned on time after a visit. You may also want to consider asking for the exchange to take place in a public location such as a restaurant or coffee shop.

Is it possible to change your current, ineffective child custody order or parenting agreement? Yes, but you will need to go to court and ask a judge to vary the terms of your agreement or order. Depending on your current situation, this costly process might be worth your while in the long run and may be in the best interest of the children who are often caught in the middle of these high conflict situations.  Be sure to journal all the exchanges – the good and the bad – as you may need to provide the court with detailed accounts of the exchanges.

Parents and children both deserve a life post-divorce that is devoid of chaos and stress. This is easily achieved when both parents maintain a mutually respectful co-parenting relationship. Remember that good accounts make good friends and it only takes a minute to call and inform the other parent that you will be late.