March Break Fun Without Me!

Sitting at her window, Jill is looking at the snowflakes falling slowly in her backyard.  With sadness, she is reminiscing on all the fun in the sun her family used to have during the March school break. Unfortunately, the end of her marriage also brought with it the end of the “family’s” fun in the sun vacation.  This year, Jack is leaving alone with the children on a boat cruise in the Caribbean while Jill stays home shovelling her laneway!

Most parents are exhausted as they try to keep up with their work, the children’s activities, their homework and the daily family routines.  One would think that a single parent would rejoice at having some time alone without the children.  Strangely enough, most parents, especially in the first few years after their separation, feel such a void when the children are visiting with the other parent that they spend their time alone mopping around the house and being – mostly – miserable.  What is important to remember is that you are not alone and you should see this as the perfect opportunity to do something you enjoy and that will lift your mood and feed your spirit.  It is your time to be good to yourself.  You have gone through a lot and you deserve some R and R.  Planning ahead the fun things that you will do during your time alone is as important as making sure that the children have all they need when they are away from home. 

Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this free time and regain your energy. 

1. Cut loose, let your hair down and put your feet up with a tea (or a beer)… every day!  Simply enjoy the peace and quiet in your home.  It may feel strange at first but after a couple of days you may actually enjoy hearing the humming of your  fridge.

2. Call your friends or your family and have a good laugh.  Talk about your most embarrassing moments.  Talking about your ex will only add clouds to your sunny time of relaxation.

3. Buy yourself something you’ve been wanting, such as a book, a new tool, or flowers.  Just choose something that is important to you, even if your budget won’t allow for something extravagant.

4. Treat yourself to a nap, if that’s something you’ve missed and makes you feel better. 

5. Complete a scrapbooking or a renovation project that you never had time to finish and that you can share with your children upon their return.

6. Don’t plan too much and stick to the plan!  Remember, this week is just for you.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be complicated and you don’t have to break the bank to become a happier and more fulfilled single parent.  In fact, most people feel much better about their lives when they take the time to sit down and create their own fun in the sun.

Our marriage is over? This cannot be happening to me!

Jill is in complete shock. She never saw this coming.  Less than a month ago they went on a trip together and everything was great.    Jill had noticed that Jack was acting strangely for the past few months, that he was growing more distant, but never suspected that he wanted out.  Yes, they had their arguments, and yes, life was not always perfect, but they were still a happy family or so she thought.  When Jack told her he wanted to separate, Jill stormed out of the house and went to see her friend Sue.  She could not breathe anymore, she did not sleep that night and she could not stop crying.  In the morning, Jill came back to the house to get the children ready for school.  She put on a brave face for the children and pretended everything was fine while Jack kept on walking through the house as if nothing had happened.  Jill thought that maybe it was just a bad dream.  Maybe Jack was just upset and did not really mean it.  It would not be the first time.  She knew he was stressed out with work and had been spending lots of time at the office lately.  Jill had never felt such emotional pain and her mind was racing with fear.  Jack was really upset and seemed to mean it.  Could this be really happening?  What will happen to the children, the house, to their family relationships?  Their friends?  What will people say?   Jill felt like a complete failure and started doubting herself:  “What if I had not started the argument last night?  What if I had listened to him more?” In complete denial, Jill started to think that they could still work this out, it could not be the end of their marriage.  All she had to do was to convince Jack to attend marriage counselling.  Surely, he would realize that he was making the biggest mistake of his life! 

If, like Jill, your spouse just announced that he or she wants a separation, you are probably going through an emotional roller-coaster.  This is a very tough time for you.  Don’t do it blindly, and don’t do it alone. Here are a few tips to consider:

• Get support: You cannot go through this alone.  Call your best friend, a family member or someone that you trust.  Talk about it.  Let it out.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.
• Take time off work: You cannot function in this state of mind.  If you can, take a few days off.  Most employers will understand if you explain the situation to them.  
• Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself is hard to do when your world is crumbling down.  But during the next few months, you will need to do just that because no one else will do it for you.  For some people, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes to take a hot bath each night, going for a massage, or asking your parents or friends to babysit the children one evening per week to give you some alone time.   Don’t hesitate to ask for help, now is the time.
• Get reliable information: Maybe you will not separate, but if it does happen, at least you will know what you are dealing with. You are possibly consumed with fears at this time.  Finding out about your rights and obligations can alleviate some of these fears.  Participate in one of our teleconferences, listen to one that is offered in replay on the subject that concerns you (children, support, family property), call our helpline, attend our Divorce Straight Talk seminars or spend an hour with a good family lawyer to get the basic information that you need.