Can I stay financially afloat on my own?

Jill has not been sleeping well these past few weeks.   She is extremely worried about her financial future and is wondering if she can stay financially afloat on her own. She has been working part-time since the birth of the children and she may now need to go back to work full-time. Jill was somewhat aware of the household finances but Jack was the financial planner and decision maker. Jill can barely function at work or at home and the thought of having to become financially knowledgeable overnight is overwhelming. She is angry at Jack for putting her and the children in this financial mess.

When facing divorce, people don’t always get what they think they deserve financially.  Some make hasty decisions because they are anxious to get the divorce over with.  Some hope to reconcile and for that reason don’t ask any questions to avoid alienating their spouse.  Others are angry and let their emotions in the way of a fair and reasonable settlement, thus increasing legal fees unnecessarily.  We have all heard horror stories about how divorce can be devastating financially to one or both parties.  However, divorce does not have to lead to bankruptcy or a negative bank balance. Consulting professionals such as financial divorce specialists, mortgage specialists, accountants  and appraisers (to name only a few) will help you assess the real value of your assets, understand any tax implications involved in any settlement and plan for your financial future.  Educating yourself will be your guide to financial freedom.  Here are a few ideas for you to reflect on:

1. Keep your expectations about money realistic.  Expect that money will be tight – for a little while – and that you may not be able to maintain your present lifestyle even if you are fairly wealthy.  It will be frustrating at times to think of what you had and what you have “lost”.   Think of your separation as a temporary financial set-back.  Like the fluctuations of the stock market, with a long-term financial plan, some patience and a bit of luck, lost money can always be re-earned.

2. Equitable does not mean equal.  A long drawn out separation battle definitely drains emotions and finances.  Be willing to negotiate as you have a limited supply of time, money and energy.   It is not about getting all you can get.  Understanding that equitable does not mean equal may help you strive to achieve a win-win situation and may save you time, money and energy in the long run.  

3. Think long term.  Keeping a handle on the financial implication of any decisions you make can avoid many long term pitfalls.  Deciding whether to keep the convertible BMW you always dreamed of instead of a mutual fund may mean that you will be eating cat food in a few years.  If you don’t know the answer or where to start, consult a financial expert who can help you see what today’s financial decisions will mean in ten years.  

4. Get involved in planning your financial future. The rule of thumb is to keep it simple and get involved.  Make a budget and a list of your debts and assets.  You can have a short-term (before final settlement) plan and a long-term (after settlement) plan.  Your separation will take some time before it gets resolved.   Therefore, take it one step at a time.

Our marriage is over? This cannot be happening to me!

Jill is in complete shock. She never saw this coming.  Less than a month ago they went on a trip together and everything was great.    Jill had noticed that Jack was acting strangely for the past few months, that he was growing more distant, but never suspected that he wanted out.  Yes, they had their arguments, and yes, life was not always perfect, but they were still a happy family or so she thought.  When Jack told her he wanted to separate, Jill stormed out of the house and went to see her friend Sue.  She could not breathe anymore, she did not sleep that night and she could not stop crying.  In the morning, Jill came back to the house to get the children ready for school.  She put on a brave face for the children and pretended everything was fine while Jack kept on walking through the house as if nothing had happened.  Jill thought that maybe it was just a bad dream.  Maybe Jack was just upset and did not really mean it.  It would not be the first time.  She knew he was stressed out with work and had been spending lots of time at the office lately.  Jill had never felt such emotional pain and her mind was racing with fear.  Jack was really upset and seemed to mean it.  Could this be really happening?  What will happen to the children, the house, to their family relationships?  Their friends?  What will people say?   Jill felt like a complete failure and started doubting herself:  “What if I had not started the argument last night?  What if I had listened to him more?” In complete denial, Jill started to think that they could still work this out, it could not be the end of their marriage.  All she had to do was to convince Jack to attend marriage counselling.  Surely, he would realize that he was making the biggest mistake of his life! 

If, like Jill, your spouse just announced that he or she wants a separation, you are probably going through an emotional roller-coaster.  This is a very tough time for you.  Don’t do it blindly, and don’t do it alone. Here are a few tips to consider:

• Get support: You cannot go through this alone.  Call your best friend, a family member or someone that you trust.  Talk about it.  Let it out.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.
• Take time off work: You cannot function in this state of mind.  If you can, take a few days off.  Most employers will understand if you explain the situation to them.  
• Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself is hard to do when your world is crumbling down.  But during the next few months, you will need to do just that because no one else will do it for you.  For some people, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes to take a hot bath each night, going for a massage, or asking your parents or friends to babysit the children one evening per week to give you some alone time.   Don’t hesitate to ask for help, now is the time.
• Get reliable information: Maybe you will not separate, but if it does happen, at least you will know what you are dealing with. You are possibly consumed with fears at this time.  Finding out about your rights and obligations can alleviate some of these fears.  Participate in one of our teleconferences, listen to one that is offered in replay on the subject that concerns you (children, support, family property), call our helpline, attend our Divorce Straight Talk seminars or spend an hour with a good family lawyer to get the basic information that you need.  

Do I leave or do I stay?

Jack had made his decision.  Unbeknownst to Jill, he had been through months of personal counselling to figure out whether or not his marriage was over.  It was now crystal clear to him that their long relationship (they started going out in University) was at an end.  After fifteen years of marriage, he was utterly unhappy and he felt that he and his wife had absolutely nothing in common anymore, except their two beautiful children Adam (age 10) and Eva (age 3), whom they both loved dearly.  After another endless evening of fighting over petty issues, Jack made an impulsive decision and announced to Jill that he wanted out.  He thought that she felt the same way as he did (she’s been so distant lately), but let’s just say that the announcement did not go as planned.  Jill stormed out of the home without saying where she was going.  She came back this morning before the children woke up, and has not spoken to him since.  Jack has tried to speak to her this morning after the children were gone to school and daycare.  He told her that he did not want to argue anymore, he just wanted a simple separation.  He was not leaving the home until both of them calmed down and figured out what would happen next.

Before Jack made his decision to leave, he consulted a family lawyer to find out what his rights and obligations were.  Jack wanted to make sure that his rights towards the children were protected, that he was not putting himself or the children at risk financially, and that he would not take any steps that might increase the conflict between him and Jill. His lawyer gave him the following advice:

•  Make sure that your marriage is over.  If in doubt, try marriage counselling.  It is readily available and relatively inexpensive, and you want to make sure you don’t regret your decision later;
• Don’t make hasty decisions.  Take the time to think this through with your partner.  Now is NOT the time to:
• Cancel your life insurance policies or change the beneficiaries on your health plan
• Sell the home or move out of the home (at least not before an agreement, even temporary, has been reached with respect to their care)
• Take out all of the money in the joint bank account, close all your bank accounts, or cancel your spouse’s credit cards.  This is the best way to insure years of litigation
• Create more debts (i.e. load your credit cards or buy yourself a new car with the joint line of credit)
• Remove all of the furniture from the home
• Protect yourself.  While you do not need to “rock the boat” the day after you announced your intention to separate, make sure that you are well informed and keep your eyes open.  Among other things:
• Pay attention to joint credit and debts.   If you see unusual or large withdrawals on the line credit, react!
• Put important belongings (family heirlooms, jewellery, insurance policies) in a safe place
• Make photocopies of important documents (income tax returns, home purchase documents, insurance policies, bank statements, passports)

Separation is usually a long and painful journey, take the time you need to think it through carefully.